A Weekend in SF, and Returning to Where it All Began...

Gail, Danny, and Nick are in town visiting with us for Christmas and New Year's.  A few weeks ago, when we started asking Savannah what she wanted for Christmas, she mentioned she wanted to go to a hotel (in addition to asking for two Aurora dolls, a tractor, and lots of acorns), so last weekend we made good on this wish and took her into San Francisco for the night (we=me, Danny, Gail, and Sav).  We began our adventure with tea!

After tea, we checked into our hotel (really, the highlight for Sav...she liked going out and about, but without fail, she'd start asking to go back to the hotel within a few minutes of us leaving.  Not sure where this fascination came from).

We went down to Fisherman's Wharf and the Boudin Bakery.

Savannah got to practice delivering bread!

The next morning, we went to breakfast and Ghirardelli Square.

Making wishes in the fountain was a highlight for her :)

And then to see some boats on the Hyde Street Pier.

We saved the best for last, though.  Her favorite activity, hands down, was doing the trampoline at Pier 39.  She's a fearless girl!

She was SOOOO proud of herself for doing the back flip!

We've been busy with last-minute wrapping/shopping/baking, but, yesterday, Jason and I squeezed in a trip back to the SCI floor at Santa Clara Valley Medical.  Jason talked to a group of inpatients about life after discharge, and how a SCI doesn't have to ruin your life.  I also talked a bit about how this type of injury impacts spouses.  It was great to be back; it's good to be reminded of how far he's (we've) come in the past two and a half years.  We met some really wonderful people--one of whom was a young man who wants to go to college to study history.  I chatted with him a bit and encouraged him to think about Berkeley.  We're the best after all :)

Back in the halls that, for a time at least, were home for us.

I hope you all are enjoying this joyous season, and that you are able to spend time with your loved ones.

Love you all,

Ashley

It's beginning to look (and feel!) a lot like Christmas!

The Christmas tree is up!  I only recently realized that Savannah has never before had a full-sized Christmas tree.  We were out of town for several weeks around her first Christmas, so I didn't bother with decorations in 2010, and for the past two years, a combined fear of Sav pulling the tree over on herself/Jason not having enough room to get around have led me to putting up a little 3 foot tabletop tree instead of a big one.  But this year, we took the leap and put the full-sized one up!  We have an artificial tree, which doesn't smell nearly as good as a real one.  On the other hand, the fake one doesn't trigger my allergies, so we go without the lovely aroma.

As I was pulling the tree out of the storage room (which has become my personal hell...anyone want to organize it for me?), I realized that I had never actually done this bit of Christmas decorating before.  The last time we had a full tree was well before Jason's accident, and he was the one responsible for putting it up and making sure everything worked.  It's been a while since I've been confronted with a "new" task created by the accident.  I'm happy to report, though, that after some initial wrangling, more than a few naughty words, and a healthy amount of scratches on my arms, the tree finally went up. I'm not looking forward to dismantling it, so we may well have a tree up for a few months :)

Hanging ornaments was fun, and, as always, was a nice trip down memory lane.  It's nice to revisit important moments in our lives, as well as to remember many of the places that we've traveled (a new Christmas ornament is our go-to souvenir when traveling).  

The rocking horse ornament we picked up on our first family trip to London.

Sav's newest ornament--a ballerina to commemorate starting dance lessons this past year.  And her "S" from last year (when she learned how to spell her name and was borderline obsessed with the letter "S")

The first ornament I ever gave Jason...way back when we were 17 :)

We have Sav's Santa photos from every year hung up, too.  

I really thought I had thrown this away during one of the darker periods post-accident.  Savannah and I bought this ornament in Tahoe, while Jason was riding in Death Ride, just a few hours before he was injured.  I'm happy that we're (I'm) in a good enough place to hang this up this year, because Tahoe represents an important part of our family story.

In addition to decorating the tree, Savannah and Jason put together some Lego scenes we've gotten over the past two years.

Now I just need to wrap gifts (ugh), and we'll be all set for Christmas.  And, unlike every other year we've been in California, it actually feels like Christmas--soooooo cold!  I've complained about this in the past--it's hard to get excited about Christmas when its 60 degrees out.  I won't complain anymore.  Bring back the mild weather!

Conversations with Savannah

Some conversations with my girl...mainly because I don't want to forget these :)

A few days before Thanksgiving...

A: Savannah, Thanksgiving is coming up soon.  Do you know what this is?
S: No
A: It's a time when we take time to think about what we are thankful for--which means thinking about things that make us happy.
S: Do we get presents?
A: No, no presents.
S: Oh.
A: What are you thankful for, Savannah?
S: I'm thankful for Santa Claus.  He brings me presents.

After receiving three cookies, that she was supposed to share with me and J:

S: Mommy, do I have to share these with you?
A: Well, if you eat those three cookies, you'll have to agree to go to bed when we get home without giving mommy and daddy any problems.  Is that a good deal?
S: Yes.
[After arriving at house]
A: Ok, remember our deal?  You need to go get ready for bed.
S: Missy [ETA: yes, she called me missy?!], you said if I ate all three cookies I would have to go to bed, but I didn't eat all three (at which point, she hands me half a cookie and some crumbs), so I don't have to go to bed. [Ahh, the feeling of being outsmarted by your three year old is a good one]

While snuggling on the couch...

S: Mommy, when I was a baby, I was in your belly.
A: Yes, you were.
S: And then, I knock, knock, knocked on your belly and you let me out, and I was born in the big building.
A: That's not how I remember it.

How is it December already?

December 1 is here, which means it's time for a dissertation update!

I'm actually in really good shape in terms of the dissertation.  In November, I:

• Polished chapter three (Edinburgh)--it's ready to go to my other committee members who, hopefully, will only have minor suggestions 
• Nearly finished polishing chapter one (theatre history)--hopefully this will also get out to other committee members within the next week or so

My plan for December is to get these two chapters out and get feedback on what they think chapter two (the bit b/t the history of theatre and the case study of Edinburgh) should accomplish.  I've got about 35 pages written for chapter two, but it's rather aimless right now.  I think having some outside eyes on the chapters will help give me some clarity on this chapter, which is, undoubtedly, the biggest thorn in my side with the dissertation.  I'd also like to return to the Geneva chapter and get that in good enough shape to go to my advisor.  That might be unrealistic, though, given that it's the Christmas season.  For sure, that will happen by the middle of January, though.

I'm teaching in the spring (http://history.berkeley.edu/courses/undergraduate/2014/spring/103b002), so in addition to dissertating, I've got to do some admin type stuff for that class. I've set up our course website and finished the syllabus, but now I need to actually find all the readings in the library and get those to the local copy shop, so that the course reader can be assembled.  And then, you know, I've got to teach it :)

I had a minor panic attack this week when I realized how close I am to being done (I mean, there's still lots of editing to do, but the dissertation is more or less fully drafted at this point).  For the last seven years, I've always known what was coming the following year--more classes (in the first few years), more research, more writing, more teaching.  But now, there gapes a big unknown come June 1.  I've applied for some jobs--not too many as of yet, because it's still on the early side--but I don't know what I'll be doing after graduation.  Part of me wouldn't mind some time off.  Maybe take an extended family vacation somewhere fun (I could go to Europe without having to do research!).  But then what?  Not knowing the answer to that question terrifies me.  

I don't want to leave on a bad note, so here are some cute pictures of Savannah and our Thanksgiving celebration  :)

On Balance and Boundaries

It is very popular to talk about balancing work and home life, particularly in the context of parenthood.  Part of my job at Cal is to help train new graduate student instructors, and this is easily the biggest question I get, especially once the GSIs learn that I’m a mom.  Everyone wants to know the magical equation to balance all the different parts of their lives (spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist).  Since becoming a momma, I’ve dealt with this issue of balance in a lot of different ways.  In the first year of Savannah’s life, I found balance by working part-time and being home with her part-time.  In a lot of ways, that time was the most “balanced” my life has ever been, largely because I had no real looming academic obligations (the dissertation being nothing more than this abstract thing I’d get around to at some point in the future) or worry over the future (no need to apply for jobs when safely in the middle of graduate school).  Then Jason got hurt and, well, balance went out the window.  We survived.  And for a while that was all that was really necessary.  All throughout the recovery period, I subscribed to the belief that you can have it all--family, love, work-- just not all at the same time.  I had my family; I was less concerned that my academic career had kinda stalled out (or, at the very least, been put on the way back burner). 

But now I’m in a very different place.  Balance was easy when there wasn’t much to balance (not that the post-accident period counts as not much to balance, but my priorities in that period were pretty obvious--it was easy to put school aside for a bit).  Now there’s a whole lot going on--working, dissertating, teaching, mothering, spousing--and I find myself constantly returning to this notion of balance.  Off and on for the last few months, I have been really frustrated by my inability to balance everything.  Why can’t I work 10-15 hours in the office, dissertate for another 30, be involved with Savannah’s school, find time for my husband, and, oh yeah, the house should probably get cleaned occasionally, right?  Quite frankly, balance doesn’t work for me right now.  I’ve given up on balance and instead have embraced boundaries.  I’ve found that putting boundaries in place have calmed me.  I don’t, for example, work while Savannah is awake (there are a few caveats to this, but, by and large this is my rule) or focus on household stuff during scheduled dissertating time.  Everything has its time and place, so I find myself spending less time fretting about whether I’m “doing it all” or being a “good mother” who does whatever it is that good mothers do.

I’ve also learned to be kind to myself.  There is no magic equation to being a perfect wife/mom/academic/teacher.  There just is what works for you at any given moment--and that’s often a moving target.  This is why, I think, balance doesn’t work.  Life is evolving and messy--the best you can do is try to work out some ground rules for yourself and hope for the best.  

Dissertating

I've written a lot this past month, and the chapter on Geneva is nearly finished.  I've been struggling, though, with keeping the dissertation interesting.  My first drafts are always very rough.  Writing leads to thinking for me, which is often reflected in what these drafts look like.  My argument doesn't really emerge until the end of a section or chapter, because it takes me going through all of the background material, all of the archival work, to realize how the puzzle all fits together.  So, I've got good drafts that get to the argument kinda late in the game.  There's nothing inherently wrong with these chapters...they're just boring as hell to read.  I'm working on that now--the second draft requires overhauling the structure entirely to make the story interesting.  And I do have an interesting story--I just sometimes forget that as I'm slogging through the minutiae of theological debates (anyone care to know the differences between orthodox Calvinism and Amyraldism?  I thought not.)  

Right now, I'm back at work on my Edinburgh chapter.  I'm letting the Geneva chapter breathe a bit, in the hopes that I can see the boring bits for what they are when I return to it in a few weeks.  I'm really enjoying the revision process. I'm not overwhelmed by getting everything onto the page, and I'm not starting from scratch...this is the real creative point in the process.  I'd forgotten that writing is fun.*

I really do enjoy this...I need to remind myself of that more often.

Here's to hoping it stays fun.

Love you all,
Ashley

*I was going to wax eloquent here about how much fun I've had reviewing some grammatical points, but, wow, that's incredibly nerdy.  But, seriously, y'all, ellipses and colons are exciting!

A Piratical Weekend

The past few weekends have been pretty slow around here...and then we got to this weekend, where it seems we are a bit over-scheduled.  Funny how that works out.

On Friday, we had our first halloween event (I think we have 3 or so scheduled?)--a Halloween festival set up by the city of Fremont.  Savannah chose to be a pirate this year, and she made a rather adorable pirate, if I do say so myself.

At the event, the children could go around to different "houses" for trick or treating.  Local high school students were in each one, distributing candy.

Then, there were arts and crafts, and some carnival games.

A lovely time was had by all!

Yesterday, was Savannah's gymnastics class and her first visit to the optometrist.  She's getting pretty good at her somersaults:

The visit to the optometrist went well, too.  She's got her daddy's perfect vision, so that's encouraging.  We'd talked with her about this visit for some time--what would happen, what kind of tests the doctor would do, etc--and she seemed fairly accepting of the visit (though, for a while, she thought she was going there so the doctor could get the hair out of her eyes...I *might* say this to her every once in a while...).

Today, though, is our biggest event--Disney on Ice! Savannah doesn't know about this yet, so, hopefully, she'll be super excited about her surprise.  I'll include photos of that in my next post.

Love you all,

Ashley

SCI Frustrations: Ballet Edition

Savannah has been taking ballet at school, so I thought it'd be fun to surprise her with a family outing to see "The Nutcracker" danced in December.  Originally, I wanted to go to the San Francisco Ballet, but they very politely request that no child under 5 attend their performances...sooo...I turned my attention to Ballet San Jose. As per usual, you can not book accessible seats through the online ticket purchasing system (this is a big frustration in and of itself, because it turns the purchasing of tickets into a drawn out affair, and ensures that I have to plan any outing like this several weeks in advance--getting our tickets for next week's Disney on Ice performance took one week start to finish...thanks Ticketmaster!) Anyways, no go on the online tickets...so I called the box office yesterday, only to learn that you can buy only one "companion" ticket with each accessible seat, so...either Jason would have to sit on his own, while I tried to get tickets for me and Savannah close by (the lady on the phone thought she might be able to get something across the aisle from J's seat), or Jason and Savannah would sit together, while I was on my own elsewhere.  Neither of these fit my idea of a family outing...I want us to sit as a family, which really shouldn't be so hard to do.  I didn't really handle this well, and was not terribly kind to the lady at the box office--I think I went off on some rant about how it's hard enough to make sure that J is not simply a spectator in Savannah's life, without the ballet making it nigh impossible to sit as a family...obviously, these are bigger issues that I'm grappling with, and the poor sales person was just the unfortunate person to set me off.

When I talked with Jason about this last night, he seemed unfazed--he doesn't really let any of the "minor" inconveniences that come along with disability bother him (though, it must be noted that J was not exactly jumping at the chance to go to the ballet--the last time we went, I looked over at one point in the performance to see him passed out asleep in his seat...).  Perhaps I need to be more laid back about it all, and not let righteous indignation overtake me at every small bump in the road...because there are lots of bumps in the road with SCI and I'll be all out of fire if they all enrage me.

I'm not one to let things go too easily, though, so I've spent this morning with seating charts for the ballet, and I've found four spots at the theatre that would allow us to all sit together.  There are only 14 wheelchair accessible seats in the whole place (out of 1,122 seats mind you...but that's another rant for another day), but four of them appear to allow multiple people around them.  These are all in the orchestra section, so heaven knows what they'll cost, but, this time when I call to inquire about tickets, I will ask for these specific seats.  Hopefully, out of 12 or so performances, I can find open seats for us.  And I'll be nicer to the person on the other end of the line this go round, to atone for my not so nice behavior yesterday...

Anyways...thanks for putting up with this rant...I'll end with something happy: our sweet girl dressed up for her ballet class!

Love you all,

Ashley

Feeling Nostalgic

We went to a local harvest festival this weekend--something that has become a tradition with our family over the last few years.  As I was flipping through the photos at the end of the day Saturday, I decided to look at photos from previous visits to see how much our girl has grown, and then it hit me: she's really not a baby anymore.   While that simple fact makes me happy for a lot of reasons--I love seeing her character and personality develop and evolve, and I think she's grown into a pretty spectacular little girl--it also makes me a bit wistful for Savannah's babyhood.  [Though, as I remind myself, particularly when this nostalgia has me thinking we should have another baby sooner rather than later, babyhood wasn't all rainbows and butterflies--Sav was a pretty easy baby, but there were some periods where she thought sleep was for the weak and/or wanted to nurse round the clock and/or would only cease crying if she was carried that definitely pushed me to my limits] I imagine all parents feel this as they watch their child grow up--it's so incredibly bittersweet...  

2010 Festival [7 months old]

In general, not a big fan of pumpkins at this point.

2011--Still not digging the fall activities.

2012--She is finally warming up to the idea of Halloween and Harvest time!

And now, our photos from this year....

She looks like she's the same height as last year, but she's just slouching--she has, in fact, gotten very tall this past year!

I hope you are all enjoying the fall weather and the abundance of the harvest season.

Lots of love,

Ashley