It is very popular to talk about balancing work and home life, particularly in the context of parenthood. Part of my job at Cal is to help train new graduate student instructors, and this is easily the biggest question I get, especially once the GSIs learn that I’m a mom. Everyone wants to know the magical equation to balance all the different parts of their lives (spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist). Since becoming a momma, I’ve dealt with this issue of balance in a lot of different ways. In the first year of Savannah’s life, I found balance by working part-time and being home with her part-time. In a lot of ways, that time was the most “balanced” my life has ever been, largely because I had no real looming academic obligations (the dissertation being nothing more than this abstract thing I’d get around to at some point in the future) or worry over the future (no need to apply for jobs when safely in the middle of graduate school). Then Jason got hurt and, well, balance went out the window. We survived. And for a while that was all that was really necessary. All throughout the recovery period, I subscribed to the belief that you can have it all--family, love, work-- just not all at the same time. I had my family; I was less concerned that my academic career had kinda stalled out (or, at the very least, been put on the way back burner).
But now I’m in a very different place. Balance was easy when there wasn’t much to balance (not that the post-accident period counts as not much to balance, but my priorities in that period were pretty obvious--it was easy to put school aside for a bit). Now there’s a whole lot going on--working, dissertating, teaching, mothering, spousing--and I find myself constantly returning to this notion of balance. Off and on for the last few months, I have been really frustrated by my inability to balance everything. Why can’t I work 10-15 hours in the office, dissertate for another 30, be involved with Savannah’s school, find time for my husband, and, oh yeah, the house should probably get cleaned occasionally, right? Quite frankly, balance doesn’t work for me right now. I’ve given up on balance and instead have embraced boundaries. I’ve found that putting boundaries in place have calmed me. I don’t, for example, work while Savannah is awake (there are a few caveats to this, but, by and large this is my rule) or focus on household stuff during scheduled dissertating time. Everything has its time and place, so I find myself spending less time fretting about whether I’m “doing it all” or being a “good mother” who does whatever it is that good mothers do.
I’ve also learned to be kind to myself. There is no magic equation to being a perfect wife/mom/academic/teacher. There just is what works for you at any given moment--and that’s often a moving target. This is why, I think, balance doesn’t work. Life is evolving and messy--the best you can do is try to work out some ground rules for yourself and hope for the best.
But now I’m in a very different place. Balance was easy when there wasn’t much to balance (not that the post-accident period counts as not much to balance, but my priorities in that period were pretty obvious--it was easy to put school aside for a bit). Now there’s a whole lot going on--working, dissertating, teaching, mothering, spousing--and I find myself constantly returning to this notion of balance. Off and on for the last few months, I have been really frustrated by my inability to balance everything. Why can’t I work 10-15 hours in the office, dissertate for another 30, be involved with Savannah’s school, find time for my husband, and, oh yeah, the house should probably get cleaned occasionally, right? Quite frankly, balance doesn’t work for me right now. I’ve given up on balance and instead have embraced boundaries. I’ve found that putting boundaries in place have calmed me. I don’t, for example, work while Savannah is awake (there are a few caveats to this, but, by and large this is my rule) or focus on household stuff during scheduled dissertating time. Everything has its time and place, so I find myself spending less time fretting about whether I’m “doing it all” or being a “good mother” who does whatever it is that good mothers do.
I’ve also learned to be kind to myself. There is no magic equation to being a perfect wife/mom/academic/teacher. There just is what works for you at any given moment--and that’s often a moving target. This is why, I think, balance doesn’t work. Life is evolving and messy--the best you can do is try to work out some ground rules for yourself and hope for the best.
