Baltimore and another Round at KKI

As much as traveling back from the east coast can be a pain (our girl is an amazing traveller, but she normally demands a lot of attention on flight, plus wheelchair things can get a little stressful depending on how familiar the flight crew is--or isn't--with wheelers), there is one thing I absolutely adore about returning to the west coast from the east:  the first few mornings of jet lag.  I was up at 5am today feeling totally refreshed and ready to tackle the mountain of stuff-to-be-done-post-vacation. I always tell myself that I'll continue to wake up that early, because I feel so productive when I do...normally, this doesn't last too many days post-vacation. [Though last year, I made myself get up around 5 every day to dissertate before Sav woke up...I've had trouble maintaining this schedule since finishing up]  But this morning, I'm awake, enjoying a second cup of coffee, and writing while the next load of laundry finishes drying.

We had a great trip back to Baltimore.  Savannah was especially excited to go to "the Duck" (we stay at a Homewood Suites--their "mascot" is the duck).  In between medical appointments and therapy for Jason, we went to the aquarium (three times!), Baltimore's awesome children's museum, took walks along the harbor, visited with friends and family, and I ventured into a paddle boat (something I thought I'd never do again after my last attempt to do so ended up with me paddling in circles in the middle of a lake).

We travelled on July 4, so Savannah was suitably patriotic for the flight.

Playing Go Fish on the plane

Octonauts...there were LOTS of octonauts on this trip....

Snack time, J sleeping in the background (unfortunately, Savannah seems to have inherited my inability to sleep on a plane...J has no such problem)

Resting following our first aquarium visit

Running around in the hotel courtyard

Lovely girl

Sunset walk around the harbor (it was very humid last week, but it wasn't as hot as it has been in previous years)

Port Discovery Children's Museum

Play Date

Watching the aftermath of a big thunderstorm...Savannah was entranced by the weather (our CA girl is not accustomed to thunder and lightning)

Baltimore and Ohio Railroad Museum

Loved the model trains

Loved the rides more...

Outside the aquarium

Photos by Savannah

Adventures in paddleboating...also known as that time, I had to do all the work to paddle us around the inner harbor while Savannah yelled at me to "go faster"

I underestimated how much work it would take to move one of these things around in the water...

So, that was the vacation side of things.  Of course, we were also there for Jason to see his doctors and PTs again.  His doctor was really happy with the progress and gains he's made this year (built up a lot of muscle, legs are not atrophying, which is normally what happens post-SCI, but J has been working hard to prevent that, and he's got a smidge more feeling back on the right side...not enough to be re-classified, but a gain is a gain).  He also learned some new exercises to try out at home. It was good to spend the third anniversary of the accident in such an optimistic, encouraging place.  

Standing Frame Exercises

FES Bike...which we're now trying to get for the house (I'm sufficiently recovered from fighting with insurance for the stander...)

This go round we took Savannah with us to the hospital most days.  They have a playroom for children 4 and over (so this year was the first time she could go)--Savannah LOVED this.  All sorts of new toys to play with.  KKI really does a great job of making a facility that takes care of the whole family.  They recognize that an SCI doesn't just impact the person injured, but is felt by the whole family.  Savannah enjoyed getting special treatment, and hanging out with other children who also have family members impact by SCI (or some other neurological injury/condition).  Jason and I have talked a lot about how much we want Savannah to be exposed to in terms of hospitals, injuries, etc.  She's certainly spent more time in medical facilities than most 4 year olds, and KKI, even though it is a cheerful place, requires you to deal with and witness difficult things.  There are lots of patients there with significant medical issues, and we've struggled with how much of this Savannah should see (would she understand and, more importantly, would she be able to respond in a way that does not hurt/offend the patient and/or their family)  But it's made Savannah incredibly empathetic.  She does ask questions, and we take the approach of answering everything she asks as honestly as we can, but she also knows that people are different.  That everyone can do different things.  She's comfortable around wheelchairs, and feeding tubes, and walkers, and all sorts of other medical equipment.  And she rarely hesitates to talk with and interact with patients, particularly if they are children.  As a parent, you constantly second-guess yourself, so I know we will probably continue to re-visit this issue, but so far, so good.

And, completely unrelated to the above, we came home yesterday and picked up the new car!  Jason was super excited, though he's not been able to drive it yet.  We're headed in this morning to work out the hand control situation and hopefully will have those installed by the end of the week.  In the meantime, I've enjoyed driving it :)

Hope everyone is having a great summer so far.  

Love you all,

Ashley

Adrift.

Well, it is done.  The dissertation is completed--revised, formatted, and fully signed off on.  I've been eagerly awaiting this day (it's been a week or two, actually, since all was completed) for quite some time.  I imagined I would feel an overwhelming sense of relief...and I suppose I did...though it was exhaustion catching up with me more than anything else :)

Finishing this Ph.D. has been rather anti-climactic.  At Berkeley, there is no dissertation defense.  Your committee members sign off on a sheet of paper....and then you're done.

It's more than a little odd to have a seven year graduate school career end with a few signatures.

I finished my job at the teaching center last week and now find myself with a lot of time on my hands.  For the past four years, free time such as this would have been used to dissertate.  Now that there is no more dissertation, I find myself a bit adrift.  I don't know what to do.  So...I've cleaned closets, and dressers, and pantries.  I've begun sketching out plans for next year's classes (though I can't do too much of this until my teaching schedule is 100% finalized and I attend teacher training at the end of the month).  I've made my own laundry detergent.  Gone through all of my academic books and sold all the ones I didn't enjoy reading the first time around.  I've read a couple of books.  I did take a full day off and go to the spa (something I promised myself I would do post-diss)...it was fantastic.  Thankfully, we're headed off to Baltimore on Friday (J is doing a week of PT at Johns Hopkins and getting his annual check-up with the SCI doctors...and we'll be celebrating three years since the accident).  

Anyways, if any of you have more time on your hands than you know what to do with (or are looking for ways to procrastinate)....here's the link to my dissertation: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9ODolx5K6jpUDF1Q1d2UWJuc1E/edit?usp=sharing

It's about theatres, civil society, and Calvinists in 18th-century Edinburgh and Geneva.  I'm actually pretty happy with how it turned out.

I'm leaving you with a few more photos from graduation.  Enjoy!

Surgery and Recovery

Savannah had her hernia repair done on Monday afternoon. Everything went really well.  The hernia was twice as big as they expected it to be, so she needed a few more stitches than originally planned, but otherwise the surgery went as planned.  The folks at Stanford were amazing from start to finish--they really knew how to calm Savannah (and her parents) down and make the process as easy as possible.

The waiting room experience was nerve wracking, as expected, but thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long...just a little over an hour.  And I was reminded yet again how lucky I am to be married to Jason--he was fantastic and, even though he was as nervous as me, he was great at calming me down and reminding me that all would be well.

She woke up pretty quickly in the recovery room, and surprised the nurses with how well-spoken she was coming out of anesthesia--when she opened her eyes, we all started asking her questions about how she was feeling and what she wanted to eat/drink...she just looked at us and said, "hold on please, everything is a little bit dark right now."  The nurses thought that was a very good way to describe the initial wake up moments :)

She got popsicles after she woke up in recovery--this was, without a doubt, her favorite part of the day!

She was excited to get to ride in a wheelchair to the car, but was bummed that it didn't come home with us (when I went to take her out of her car seat, she asked me if I had gotten her wheelchair out for her...).

She's still a bit sore (that's going to take a few days to go away), so we've been hanging out on the couch a lot.  Lots of movies and TV shows being watched.  She's in good spirits, though, and the pain is minimal if she's being still.  Of course, she wouldn't take my word on this yesterday...she had to get up and try walking to see how it felt.  She made it 2 or 3 steps before asking me to carry her back to the couch. I think we'll try a few new activities today--maybe something crafty?

Thanks everyone for the good wishes and encouraging words during all of this.  Keep them coming!  We've now got to keep our independent, strong-willed, active little girl very still and calm for four weeks!

Delayed, Delayed, Cancelled

Savannah was scheduled to have surgery yesterday.  It didn't happen.  Around 11pm on Thursday night, I got a call from the hospital letting me know that, due to an emergency surgery that was expected to take all night, Sav's surgery would take place at 11am (instead of 9:30am as originally planned).  Okay--this was actually welcome news--we could sleep a little later, and Savannah would be able to drink clear liquids (apple juice, gatorade, and water) until 8am.

The next morning, I called the hospital just to verify the times (I was half asleep when they called, so I didn't want to entirely trust my memory), and was told that the emergency surgery had not yet ended (I called around 6:30am) and that they would call me back within 5-10 minutes to give me the new surgery time.  In the meantime, Sav could drink clear liquids.  So, I began filling her up with (full-sugar) apple juice and Gatorade.  She couldn't eat until post-surgery, so I wanted to get some calories in her.  I kept my phone close, waiting for the phone call...and I waited, and waited, and waited.  Around 8:30am, I called back to find out what was going on.  I was told they were still working on the new schedule and would get back to me ASAP, but to keep giving Savannah liquids.  So, she kept drinking.

At 9:30, I received a call from the scheduler, and was told that they had decided to cancel all surgeries for the day, and that we would need to re-schedule Savannah's surgery.  The next opening they had was 2 weeks out.  I was not happy--while I completely understand that a more urgent medical issue takes precedence over Savannah's surgery (obviously), I was frustrated by the communication breakdown and was also concerned that this would happen every time we scheduled something.  Sav's surgery, while it needs to be done, is not an emergency.  It will never take priority, and I don't want to keep prepping Savannah for surgery (walking through what would happen at the hospital, not letting her eat, etc etc), only to have to cancel and re-schedule.  I was not especially nice to the lady on the phone (I had also been extraordinarily anxious about the surgery, so my emotions were all worked up)--Jason had to call alter to reschedule.  She is now scheduled for Monday, June 2.  So, please keep thinking about us and our girl...we'll keep you posted on any developments/changes to this new timeline.

After this all happened, we fed Savannah breakfast, and then she proceeded to run laps around the house b/c she was on a ridiculous sugar high...like epic sugar high. I was tempted to take her to school and let her lovely teachers deal with my sugar-crazed child, but I'm kinder than that :)

Graduation (and upcoming surgery)

I've officially graduated.  I should, however, put an asterisk next to that, because the dissertation is not officially submitted.  I'm still waiting for two committee members to set up a time to sign all the necessary paperwork.  My advisor, though, is ready to sign...so it seems like it's just a matter of time right now.

Graduation was wonderful.  It was great to see everyone, especially people who have been away for the last few years researching and writing.  Savannah was surprisingly well behaved through it all (the ceremony was close to two hours long...).

Jason and I, post-hooding.

I'll have to add some pictures from the ceremony itself later..I need to get those from other family members.

To celebrate, we went to a nice dinner at the Melting Pot.

We had a ton of fun....and so did Savannah, once we got to the chocolate course.  She wasn't terribly interested in the cheese or entrees, but it was clear she had been watching everyone when the chocolate was put in front of her.  She knew exactly what to do.

I'm not entirely sure how much chocolate she consumed, but it wasn't long before this happened....

She had a little bit of a sugar high! After this photo(s) was taken, she regaled us all with songs from Frozen and walked us through some deep breathing exercises.  It was HILARIOUS.

I feel very lucky that so many family members were able to come out for this special day.  It's been a long seven years, and there were certainly times I wanted to quit, especially once I began the arduous task of writing a dissertation.  But family, and most especially Jason, continued to encourage and support me.  I also wanted my little girl to know that you can at least try to have it all--a wonderful family life and an intellectually fulfilling career.  It was important for me that Savannah see me working on this and, ultimately, finishing it.

Speaking of my girl, tomorrow is a rather big day for her.  She'll be having surgery to repair an epigastric hernia at 9:30 am tomorrow morning (at Packard Hospital at Stanford).  Jason and I are, not surprisingly, worried about all this.  While it is a very simple and routine procedure, it requires full anesthesia and intubation, things neither of us wanted our girl to experience.  Savannah knows she's having surgery and nearly broke my heart last night when she climbed in my lap and told me she was so scared. So, please, if you think about it tomorrow, say a little prayer/send good thoughts/take a moment to meditate for our girl.  We need the surgery to go well and, probably the more difficult part with an active four year old, we need her to more or less be inactive for an entire month while she heals.  We appreciate any good thoughts sent our way.

Love you all,

Ashley 

On Leaving Academia

As I write this, I'm just a handful of days away from teaching my last class at Berkeley...certainly the last as a graduate student, and perhaps the last ever (I've learned to never say never).  A year ago, I would have greeted this day with overwhelming joy, but something funny happened in the last year.  I started having fun again with school and my work.  The first year back after J's accident was really hard.  After a year or so of dealing with very. heavy. stuff. it seemed odd to be focusing all my energies on early modern Europe or writing about theatres and Calvinists.  It all seemed trivial.

But once I got over the initial hump of writing--and submitted a truly terrible first chapter--I started enjoying the process more (not always...there have still been moments that I've truly loathed in all of this).  I joined writing groups and found inspiration in reading other people's works (BIG hugs to my writing group friends..they made this past year one of the best of my grad school career), and found myself excited about writing.  There was joy in crafting beautiful sentences and paragraphs and sections.  I also had the opportunity this past year to really embrace teaching through my job as a teaching consultant.  I'm glad this past year has been positive, because come July 15, I'll be saying goodbye to academia.  I'm glad to be going out on a more positive note.  A year ago, it would have been very different.

But I am, in fact, leaving.  And happily so.  When I started thinking about the job market, it became clear to me fairly quickly that I would not pursue traditional academic jobs.  A lot of factors contributed to this decision, with the biggest being our unwillingness to leave the Bay area.  Jason is happy at work, we LOVE Savannah's school, we have friends here, and feel like we belong to a community.  I don't want to destroy all of that.  Plus, the Bay is super wheelchair-accessible and good for SCI-ers. There are, of course, colleges and unis in the Bay area, so if I really wanted to pursue academia, I suppose I could have done so.  But, when I really thought about what I wanted out of the next phase of my life...what I wanted for our family, it became obvious that I would not find those things as a tenure-track professor.

Because, when it comes down to it, there's a lot about academia that I'm happy to leave.  While grad life has been relatively family friendly--flexible, lots of ability to work from home, etc etc--pursuing the tenure track would be different.  I don't want to travel for work anymore (at least not for the weeks and months necessary to do proper archival work); I don't want to leave my family for that.  For as much as I've come to enjoy this final bit of dissertating, the notion of starting a new project from scratch does not appeal.  At all. I also prefer to be teaching rather than researching, by a lot.  These concerns, of course, assume that I would be able to land a tenure track job, that holy grail newly minted PhDs seek.  In the years since I began grad school in 2005, though, the academy has changed.  Budget cuts and other institutional changes have led to the adjunctification of the professoriate (see http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/04/the-adjunct-professor-crisis/361336/).  Right now, 76.4% of faculty at universities in the US are adjuncts--generally speaking, this means: low pay (like poverty level low), no benefits, no job security, no real guarantee of advancement, and so on.  I don't want that, and, honestly, I don't think anyone who has spent 7+ years working on an advanced degree should be put into a situation where that is their only real option.  I want security, and I would like to know that there is at least the possibility of advancing my career. I want something a bit different, which is why I accepted the job that I did.  Starting in July, I'll be teaching AP World History at a new private school in San Jose.  I'm excited to be teaching full-time, and look forward to being able to work with a group of bright, engaged students.

I have enjoyed the last nine years.  I have met amazing people, been intellectually engaged, and have learned the joy to be found in teaching.  So much has happened in this period--it truly has been transformative.  But it's time to move on to new challenges and adventures.